This has been quite the month and a half or so for me, emotionally. And every time I sit down and try to think about what to write here, how to put my heartbreak into words, I struggle. It's still really raw, I think.
To think...I gave four and a half years of my life and devoted myself to a man who would end up just...disappearing, when I needed him the most. Do I know what's going on with him? No. I have so many questions that I want answered, but it fills me full of rage, anger...a deep sense of betrayal and hurt, when I think too much on this subject.
So, I'm just going to rip the band-aid off, and let my pain and hurt flow through this post...then never write about it, about him, publicly...ever again. Fair warning, this post is probably going to be very disjointed. I don't feel like putting anything in an orderly fashion tonight. Don't like? Oh well, write your own post.
I feel like I am worth more than someone disappearing on me, never to speak to me again. Especially after sharing so much of myself with this man. We met in Secondlife, and after getting to know eachother for about four or five months...decided to meet in RL. Once we met, we discovered that we were compatible and so we became a couple in RL. He would come out and see me twice a month or more, and we got to know eachother better...but now that I think about it, he learned so much more about me than I ever did him.
He was a married man when we met, and told me that he couldn't get divorced because infidelity wasn't grounds for divorce in his state...and okay, maybe I should have done the research...but I'm a trusting person, and I tend to believe people when they tell me something, which can be so very dangerous to me. So...I never did any research. Some other things he told me didn't really make sense, but again...my trusting(and ultimately stupid...yes, I feel stupid, there's nothing that will change that feeling) nature let it go.
I feel duped, my heart just won't stop hurting, because he just...stopped communicating with me after the 24th of December. I had to find out through his co-workers that he had lost his phone and was only reachable through emails, I had to find out from calling his work that he was indeed there, because he wasn't answering my phone calls, or returning my voicemails...
All the while, I'm thinking "well, this is bad, but he'll come and he'll save me before I am homeless, just like he promised me. He won't let me live on the streets, because he loves me, he'll take care of me just like he said..." and guess what? He didn't. He didn't live up to his promises, and I just...I don't know why. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I wouldn't ever wish this level of devastation on my worst enemy. My heart feels like somebody just pulled it out of my chest and stomped on it, then ran it over with a steamroller for good measure.
I hate the feeling that I have now, that I am afraid to trust again. I have only recently been able to trust again after the whole ordeal I went through last year, with another person who was extremely close to me betraying me in such a horrible, complete fashion. Like I said before, I am a very trusting person, and for how cynical I come across as, I do try to see the good in everything and everyone...I am so afraid that I will lose that part of me, but...maybe it would be best if I did. This teaches me that at least I need to learn more about people in the future.
I wish I could speak to him one last time. I feel like I am worth a goodbye...I feel like I have just been tossed aside because he didn't want me anymore. It's a miserable, shitty feeling, and again...my heart just feels like it's breaking, someone's wringing it out.
I am incredibly grateful for the people who have been in my corner and by my side through this entire thing. My sister Bella did a lot of digging and researching for me while I was off the grid for a month, and found out some information for me that I needed to hear. I am also thankful for my squishie, my Kai who was and is continuing to be my other big supporter. All of my friends and family who read this...thank you for loving me, thank you for listening to me, thank you for making me laugh...for distracting me when I needed distracting...words cannot express just how thankful I am for the people in my life right now. They make logging into Secondlife worth it.
But anyway...I digress. Ritch Nicholls of Poseology recently sent out a couple of poses to be blogged, and this one spoke to me when I saw it, and it inspired my styling. Thank you, Ritch, for sharing your talents with the grid =)
What I'm Wearing.
Hair: Amacci Hair ~ Maria - Red Pack(Sangria)
Necklace & Earrings: Maxi Gossamer Belladonna Crystal Beaded Choker & Earrings
Bracelets: Lazuri Delia Complete Set - Bracelets
Feathers in photo are a part of a past group gift from ::PM:: PurpleMoon, it may or may not be available in the main store...but you should still go check this amazing store out, the gowns are simply stunning!!
Pose: Poseology - Like A Feather **NEW!**
Pose Location: Done Wiv a Twist Estate - the current theme of the landscaping is an Asian/dreamy theme, go check it out! It's absolutely lovely :)